making pizza

For the first time in a week, I started to feel something. An ache. An upset inside me so big that all I could do was cry.

I’ve been staying busy, working hard on school assignments, studying and binging on stupid Netflix shows during breaks. I’ve been creating distractions for myself so that I don’t completely melt down but yesterday it hit me.

I didn’t realize it but I’ve been avoiding cooking all week but yesterday when I started my prep work for Easter dinner for today the hurt crept in. I rinsed the turkey, put it in the roaster and started to mix up the stuffing. Cutting up the onions I started to cry and not because the onion was bothering my eyes but because you and I always cook together. It made me so lonely for you. It went from chopping onions to thinking about making pizza and all of the great times we spent together in my kitchen making wonderful food, listening to music and creating memories. Thinking of the first time at “The Ranch” making pizza kicked it off.

Some of my favourite memories of us are in that private, quiet little world with Greta the doberman. Cooking, walking, snuggling and just the two of us. Did we create something we couldn’t really have? A world for just two? Was it unrealistic?

The reality was that when I left the Ranch I still had a little boy to think of. He still needed his mom and being his mom had to come before being your girlfriend. That still hasn’t changed only he’s not so little anymore.

I’m a mom first. I loved being your girlfriend but I’m tied to my kids in a way that I don’t think you understand. I am their one reliable constant and have been since they were babies. We are a tight knit four. You tried to be a part of it and I welcomed you but to them you didn’t belong. They didn’t want anyone else to take care of me…they could do it without your help. They also didn’t see the you I saw. You didn’t let them in either.

What they don’t realize is that for the first time in my whole life someone finally gets me even in a way that they don’t. I’m their mother but at some point they won’t need me and will be completely immersed in their own lives and I will be alone.

I’m completely fine being alone, I learned a long time ago to not rely on anyone and take care of myself. It hurts less that way but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the emptiness that I’m left with now that you’re gone.

I’d like to think maybe with some time, reflecting on what was so amazing and fun about us, that we’ll be able to come back together to find a way to make it work. Obviously changes need to happen first because the cycle can’t keep repeating itself.

I honestly thought being together was going to be easier than it has but there’s a disconnect between my kids and you that pulls me in opposite directions. It’s stressful and while you always think I’m choosing them over you…I have to. It’s not a choice I make lightly because I deserve to be happy too but there’s insecurity in our relationship that I don’t feel but you do, you don’t trust it and it drags us down.

I can’t rely on you to be solid in our relationship because when things get hard or you start seeing obstacles before they happen…you walk away. I don’t walk away anymore, I stand firm for what I want and what I believe in. I don’t settle for anything less. The bar is set really high because I was so hurt before and nobody gets to hurt me anymore.

I accepted all of you and can’t understand why you don’t accept all of me, just as I am. Maybe your bar is set even higher than mine and that’s fine but you have to decide if I’m worth taking a risk to love and be loved. You said to me once you don’t need to be loved but you do.

I wish you had of been able to overcome the wall my kids have built but you didn’t think you needed to. It goes both ways.

As I wandered through the house after you moved out today, tears fell. I sat in the closet just being sad. It’s so full of my shit but the one shelf that’s empty, looks how I feel.

I’ll have my cry, feel everything I’m feeling and hopefully tomorrow it won’t hurt so bad.

goodbye

When you and I began, I saw a future for us. I don’t see it anymore.

We argued over…I’m not even sure what. I got defensive over my kids because I feel like you’re always running them, and me as a mother, down.

You walked out without a goodbye or trying to resolve an un-resolvable problem.

The fight is always the same. My ex, my kids, school…I’m not free. The thing is I take it personally, your dislike of my kids and the way I parent them. You judge me when I’m trying to just do the best I can. I don’t need it…I do enough judging of myself.

You’re sorry we’re at odds right now, you miss me and love that we might work at something; however, walking out was easier. It was not the right choice.

Now I’ve made a choice to do something easier too.

A relationship of one, with myself because it seems someone always tries to control me. If I’m alone there will be no worries of that.

I’m good.

I’m solid.

Quite capable making decisions on having friends, or dinner for a birthday. I care about people, I like helping when asked, I love big…there is no limit…until there is.

I hope you find someone to share the kind of life you’re looking for, at least you know now what it is you aren’t looking for.

Take care, my love.

I wish you all the best.

I’m gonna take care of me from now on.

It’s easier…

On my ❤️

white picket fences

This year was my first Christmas without my kids. It was the first time in 21 years that they did not wake up to a magical Christmas Day that I was a part of. This year I let their Dad have this time with them because I thought he needed them more than I did. It turned out that they needed and wanted me more than they wanted him this year. They know that Christmas has always been a special time for me. My parents always made a big deal over the importance of spending time with family and so in turn I always made it a special family time for my kids. One night over the Christmas holidays, I had a conversation with a new friend of mine. We had played some family games, and had a few too many drinks when he asked me how I saw my life these days. I wasn’t sure what he was asking me so he started to explain. He said that this was not how he envisioned his life. He had built his white picket fence and when it came down he was crushed. He missed his family and with this conversation I became vulnerable, teary and admitted to him that I missed my kids. I didn’t miss my relationship but that I was hurting and his question made me start thinking about how I had built my own “white picket fence”.

When we are young and witnessing our parents relationship, we begin to decide what kind of relationship we will have or want for ourselves as adults. If your parents were considerate of each other, worked collectively as a team of two to raise you and your siblings in a respectful, loving, and attentive environment; you probably would have grown up wanting to find a partner modelled after your mom or dad. If you grew up with a dad disrespecting your mom or visa versa you may have made a conscious decision to either be more of a dedicated, respectful partner rather than what you grew up knowing or maybe you had never really thought about it at all; not really placing any value on any relationship you might have.

As a child I started building my white picket fence. I wanted to marry a loving husband who would engage and teach his children what being a husband and father looked like. My mother is my fathers whole world..she always has been. Her happy has always been his happy. He spent time doing things with my sisters and I in ways that my mother did not. He encouraged my sisters and I to read, he took us camping in the summer, took us sliding and skated with us in the winter. He let us choose the music we wanted listen to or the books we wanted to read, and in doing so he created the same love in me for music, reading, and writing. Today those three things, soothe my soul..he must have known I would need these tools to get through the hardest time of my life. In the back of my mind he was the type of man I wanted to be a father of my children. Unbeknownst to me the father of my children did not have that kind of family life or upbringing.

His dad did as he pleased, without much respect or consideration for his mother and therefore in his mind vowed he would not be that same kind of man. In the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t like his dad. He worked hard to provide for his family and we worked as a team to build our own version of a picket fence around our house; however, he wasn’t the dad I envisioned. I didn’t expect him to change or to be something he wasn’t, but I did want him to form a bond with his children that would also create a strong belief of family in them. The bond between my husband and his children was important to me, and still is. Unfortunately with his work schedule he was often up before the kids, and home after they had gone to bed. If he was home while they were awake he was often irritated by them and their “noise”. They were apparently not part of his “program”. I was at a loss of what to do. Moving forward from that point on, I felt I was alone and on my own. The paint on our fence had started to peel.

Just when I thought we had built our fence, and that it was sturdy and looking good; it started to need repair. The white paint wasn’t so white anymore, boards were coming loose and the posts weren’t as strong as they once were. It wasn’t something I could mend on my own but tried for several years until I started feeling like a dog chasing its tail. No amount of paint, nails or cement could fix what I didn’t break and he became the man he vowed he would not become. I stayed in the relationship for my children which was the absolute worst reason for me to stay. They witnessed their father’s disrespect and the abuse he inflicted on me because I gave him the power to do so. I stayed and he figured that he got away with it once, then when I stayed for round two there was no way I would ever leave. What he didn’t know was that I felt round three beginning and decided it was time for me to go. Three strikes and YOU’RE…OUT!!

The fence came down, along with everything I had tried to build for and in-still in my kids. Now that two of the three are adults and the other is just starting his teens they have to decide how they want to build their fence. They will have to decide how they will model their lives around what they’ve had to deal with and probably continue to struggle with it for the rest of their lives. My hope is to find a different route this time and maybe not concentrate so much on what kind of fence I build, if I build one at all. I know what I want and feel free to express to them the importance of honesty, appreciation and respect in a relationship…can build a strong fence. The fence will still need to be maintained regularly, but being aware is one of the first steps in making it strong. The “white picket fence” that I built with their dad, was just as much theirs as it was mine and I’m sorry for them that he didn’t think it was worth maintaining.

new beginnings, strength and protection

I bought two bracelets at a little shop in Las Vegas in February. One was a beautiful gold little moon and the other was a silver little tree. The moon represented new beginnings and the tree represented strength. I bought them at a time when I needed both a new beginning and strength. Of course I know they are just bracelets but part of me wonders if there is a little bit of magic in them.

Within a couple of weeks of buying the bracelets I lost the new beginnings one and was devastated. My daughter who was with me when I bought them laughed and said “I guess no new beginning for you” I cried because the new beginning was what I was looking forward to the most. Still I forged on and the new beginning started..even without the bracelet. I attributed the going forward with my plan to move and start a new life from the strength I was receiving from the bracelet with the tree.

But now I’m afraid that I might lose the bracelet of strength and what will happen if I do. Are amulets or talismans real? Do they really give you protection..or keep evil away? Do they really give you the strength you need, when you need it? I believe so. I need to believe that even without this bracelet that my strength will still be with me..but right now I don’t. I feel anxious when I notice the red string is coming loose. B says that the bracelet is just a bracelet, and that everything I’ve accomplished so far is because I am strong enough to do what I need to do.

live wild, love hard

“That’s not love .. just need.”

So for awhile now I’ve been trying to figure out the difference between love and need. I know what love is…how to feel it…how to give it…how to show it but I struggle with how to receive it or trust it. I know as children we need love to grow and learn, but as adults we want to find love, be in love, give love but most of all be loved.

I want to be loved but I’m happy with who I am and I’m feeling less and less complete in a relationship I can’t trust. I’m told it’s okay to say what I want but then it becomes quickly evident what I’ve said was not the answer he wanted to hear. I know as I’m saying “No” it will be the wrong answer, but then I think…it’s the wrong answer for who? Saying what I want is okay and I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

I think I’m going to continue just doing my own thing and…

Live my life the way I want, be in complete control of it and not have someone tell me if I’m doing it right or wrong.

Love…I want to give it and receive it but not be controlled by it. My happiness does not depend on someone in my life…it depends on me. I can love myself first, right?

I’m finding strength I didn’t know I had and it’s making people in my life uncomfortable. It’s not like me to stand up and say “No” but that’s a problem of theirs not mine.

fear

I love you but I hate you.

I miss you but I’m better off without you.

I want you out of my life but I never want to let you go.

I love you but you’re easy to let go of cause you’re really really challenging and I don’t know if I need it.

If you’re out…say so.

I’m struggling with all of that…it makes me feel like I don’t matter the way I should. I shouldn’t be that easy to walk away from.

I say things when I’m hurting that I can’t help but say because it’s my armour, my protection. B says I can say them to him but can’t put my ex in his place when he comes at me. My ex was abusive…and my reaction has always been the same, fear. I left that situation and swore nobody would get to hurt me again. I get defensive now, lash out, fight with words and say things I couldn’t before. I don’t want to feel controlled by anyone anymore.

I will do things in my own time. Fear has a constant hold on me and I don’t trust myself to move forward. I have to retrain my brain and find a way to not feel triggered.

I fear that I am not enough.

I fear that my love will be rejected.

I’m afraid of overthinking and the decisions I make.

I’m always afraid I’m going to hurt someone with my words or actions and I won’t be able to take it back. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain.

I fear that I love too big, unconditionally, without judgement or expectations and it comes across as needy. I want to be held tight enough, to crush the fear.

My insecurities run deep, and are hard to escape…but I’m working on them.

I need to focus on me right now, just breathe and keep telling myself…

I matter. I am enough. I am amazing. I am beautiful inside and out. I’ve got this, chin up girl. I deserve love. I will love myself first.

It’s hard to do…but I’m working on it. Patience and understanding needed.

home

He became the light when I thought the darkness would never end, but now it’s creeping back in.

He was the music that made me want to dance, and now there’s only silence. My body still.

He was my favourite Sunday morning, afternoon and night…now I just wish the day would end.

He was my nightly comfort, keeping the bad dreams at bay but the demons have returned to the edge of the shadows cast from the light I leave on. I don’t sleep because the demons know they can get me if I do.

He was my first and last thought of the day…”My love…Have I told you today…that I love you?” I have no words.

There’s a void growing. Deep and dark. A feeling of worthless nothing. There is no sunshine only rain. I’ll grow cold and numb again.

He breathed life back into me when I thought it might be gone for good but now he’s gone and says…it’s for the best.

There are so many hours in the day…I lay here and just let them pass. I’ve been here before, watching the sun rise and set. No purpose. No reason to move…so I don’t. Emptiness consuming me.

He was my tree, tall and strong, holding me up.

He was my home, my safety, my security.

My love.

dear lonely littlest…

My littlest is on his own right now trying to navigate this part of his new normal without his mother. I miss him.

I know without a word from him..that he’s missing me too. He won’t connect with me when he misses me because he wants to stay strong and not let me know how he feels. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s burdening me with his loneliness and because of this..my heart hurts for him. I want to feel burdened and I want him to know that it’s okay to miss me and share with me all of the feelings he’s having. Him and I haven’t been apart for more than a week or so ever in his life, and this feels so unfair to do to him, even though I know it’s not..that he’s going to get through this, because he’s strong like me. These last three weeks without him in my space feels like something is missing and I’m constantly wishing he was here when something happens that I know he would enjoy. I miss our conversations, I miss our daily routine, I miss snuggling up with him and running my fingers through his hair like he likes me to while we talk about our day..I just really miss him.

I know too, that I need this time to get a new house set up for us, and that I need to find a new job to help support what we will need when he finally comes here. I need to get on my feet so that when he does finally get here that I will be so much stronger and he will see that I’m doing the right thing for us. I think about him every minute that I’m awake and can’t wait to share with him all of these new things I’m experiencing. He’s been my comfort for so long it doesn’t feel good, to not be with him every day.

I keep telling myself he’s going to be here really soon..that once he’s here our new life together will start and he’s going to love it. I just wish he knew that he didn’t need to be strong for me..but that I’m going to be strong enough for both of us. My love for him, his brother and sister is so big that if we stick together..we can do anything.

I can do anything.

dreams are wishes

There’s a dream in place.

One that wants to be a reality.

One where..we wake up with each other every day and I say..Have I told you today..I love you and he says I know..I love you too.

One where..we have coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.

One where..we build our dream home together with a deck all the way around it that has a swing in the front and a swing in the back, so we can enjoy sunrises and sunsets.

One where..we spend Sunday’s making love or waffles, hiking in the sun or reading on a rainy afternoon snuggled up in our favourite spot in our house.

One where..there is only room for honesty, happiness, respect, trust and love.

One where..we are free to be the people we always wanted to be and should have been together.

Dreams are wishes and these are my wishes. So, as the sun comes up..and sleep starts to leave me..I hear his soft snore beside me..and I know this dream of ours is moving one loving moment at a time, slowly into reality.

being a half of something so whole

I’m reading a book right now called Grace after Henry..and about half way through this book part of a sentence strikes me. “..being a half of something so whole..” and I realize this is how I feel in my relationship with B. We are two halves that are wanting to be whole which is why when we are apart..we struggle. We struggle with talking, we struggle with texting, we question what and why we are doing this and I’m left with a very incomplete feeling in so many ways..I’m only half of a whole without him.

It is getting SO close to being time for me to move, and pretty soon we won’t be separated by so much distance. I think we are both wondering and a little nervous what it will be like to be able to actually drive 40 minutes for Cookies and a Kiss whenever we want. (There is no sexual innuendo intended here…*read very first Blog*) It will be a very new and exciting experience for us to be able to do that. I haven’t dated anyone in more than 27 years and neither has he..so this will be new for both of us. We’ve spent less than 20 days together since our relationship started, this month alone I’ve spent over thirty hours talking to him on the phone not to mention the texting, so we really will be finally figuring out face to face where we belong in each other’s lives.

B is worried about me and how I’m handling everything right now. He can’t see me or read my body language so he’s struggling with that. He wants to know why I have put up with the disrespect that I have and I can’t seem to give him the answer he’s looking for. He feels protective of me and I can’t tell him what that means to me but I’ve been dealing with all of this for so long that it no longer bothers me the way it used to. I’m dealing with the things that are happening the best way I can. I really am fine. I’m looking forward and not looking back anymore. This shitty situation I’ve had swirling around in my head for so long is about to become part of my history. I’m writing a new chapter in my life and I really want it to include him.

When I am with B, I feel like the person I used to be and want to be again but when I have to leave him to come back to this messed up situation I’m trying to leave, I have to be someone else. I have to be a mom to my youngest..making sure he’s okay with everything that’s happening, I have to be a co-worker with a smile on my face..acting like everything is okay at home, I have to be a cook and housekeeper..I have to be someone that I’m not going to be anymore. I need to look strong on the outside while not really feeling it on the inside. I’ve learned to cope by shutting down my feelings and this week I need to do just that.

I’m packed and ready for the road trip to my new life..it’s a long drive but it will be worth it. I’m so excited every day when I wake up and it’s one less sleep until I leave. One less sleep until I can make my way to my other half so we can start working on becoming a whole ❤️