dear lonely littlest…

My littlest is on his own right now trying to navigate this part of his new normal without his mother. I miss him.

I know without a word from him..that he’s missing me too. He won’t connect with me when he misses me because he wants to stay strong and not let me know how he feels. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s burdening me with his loneliness and because of this..my heart hurts for him. I want to feel burdened and I want him to know that it’s okay to miss me and share with me all of the feelings he’s having. Him and I haven’t been apart for more than a week or so ever in his life, and this feels so unfair to do to him, even though I know it’s not..that he’s going to get through this, because he’s strong like me. These last three weeks without him in my space feels like something is missing and I’m constantly wishing he was here when something happens that I know he would enjoy. I miss our conversations, I miss our daily routine, I miss snuggling up with him and running my fingers through his hair like he likes me to while we talk about our day..I just really miss him.

I know too, that I need this time to get a new house set up for us, and that I need to find a new job to help support what we will need when he finally comes here. I need to get on my feet so that when he does finally get here that I will be so much stronger and he will see that I’m doing the right thing for us. I think about him every minute that I’m awake and can’t wait to share with him all of these new things I’m experiencing. He’s been my comfort for so long it doesn’t feel good, to not be with him every day.

I keep telling myself he’s going to be here really soon..that once he’s here our new life together will start and he’s going to love it. I just wish he knew that he didn’t need to be strong for me..but that I’m going to be strong enough for both of us. My love for him, his brother and sister is so big that if we stick together..we can do anything.

I can do anything.

dreams are wishes

There’s a dream in place.

One that wants to be a reality.

One where..we wake up with each other every day and I say..Have I told you today..I love you and he says I know..I love you too.

One where..we have coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.

One where..we build our dream home together with a deck all the way around it that has a swing in the front and a swing in the back, so we can enjoy sunrises and sunsets.

One where..we spend Sunday’s making love or waffles, hiking in the sun or reading on a rainy afternoon snuggled up in our favourite spot in our house.

One where..there is only room for honesty, happiness, respect, trust and love.

One where..we are free to be the people we always wanted to be and should have been together.

Dreams are wishes and these are my wishes. So, as the sun comes up..and sleep starts to leave me..I hear his soft snore beside me..and I know this dream of ours is moving one loving moment at a time, slowly into reality.

being a half of something so whole

I’m reading a book right now called Grace after Henry..and about half way through this book part of a sentence strikes me. “..being a half of something so whole..” and I realize this is how I feel in my relationship with B. We are two halves that are wanting to be whole which is why when we are apart..we struggle. We struggle with talking, we struggle with texting, we question what and why we are doing this and I’m left with a very incomplete feeling in so many ways..I’m only half of a whole without him.

It is getting SO close to being time for me to move, and pretty soon we won’t be separated by so much distance. I think we are both wondering and a little nervous what it will be like to be able to actually drive 40 minutes for Cookies and a Kiss whenever we want. (There is no sexual innuendo intended here…*read very first Blog*) It will be a very new and exciting experience for us to be able to do that. I haven’t dated anyone in more than 27 years and neither has he..so this will be new for both of us. We’ve spent less than 20 days together since our relationship started, this month alone I’ve spent over thirty hours talking to him on the phone not to mention the texting, so we really will be finally figuring out face to face where we belong in each other’s lives.

B is worried about me and how I’m handling everything right now. He can’t see me or read my body language so he’s struggling with that. He wants to know why I have put up with the disrespect that I have and I can’t seem to give him the answer he’s looking for. He feels protective of me and I can’t tell him what that means to me but I’ve been dealing with all of this for so long that it no longer bothers me the way it used to. I’m dealing with the things that are happening the best way I can. I really am fine. I’m looking forward and not looking back anymore. This shitty situation I’ve had swirling around in my head for so long is about to become part of my history. I’m writing a new chapter in my life and I really want it to include him.

When I am with B, I feel like the person I used to be and want to be again but when I have to leave him to come back to this messed up situation I’m trying to leave, I have to be someone else. I have to be a mom to my youngest..making sure he’s okay with everything that’s happening, I have to be a co-worker with a smile on my face..acting like everything is okay at home, I have to be a cook and housekeeper..I have to be someone that I’m not going to be anymore. I need to look strong on the outside while not really feeling it on the inside. I’ve learned to cope by shutting down my feelings and this week I need to do just that.

I’m packed and ready for the road trip to my new life..it’s a long drive but it will be worth it. I’m so excited every day when I wake up and it’s one less sleep until I leave. One less sleep until I can make my way to my other half so we can start working on becoming a whole ā¤ļø

bambi legs

I used to be strong.

I used to think that happily ever after was a thing.

I used to not need anything from anyone..I was okay on my own.

I used to love the life I was living until the person I trusted the most let me down..hard. How do I trust anyone again? I’m working on it but it’s not easy.

I’ve been doing things by myself for awhile now. A few years ago, I decided to go away on my own for a weekend. I rented a beautiful hotel room with a beautiful tub where I slept and soaked away my misery. I wandered a shopping mall buying nothing at all. I went to a movie alone and ate a massive bag of popcorn..the movie was really good with Ben Afleck and Anna Kendrick. I ate alone in restaurants and spent the whole weekend not talking to or texting anyone, and no social media. It was just a solitary quiet weekend where I completely shut down everything and everyone. I often think about that weekend..particularly the one morning I was having coffee and I watched an elderly couple interact. I heard him read a joke from the Coffee News Paper that he was reading. Her face lit up when she laughed at it, and in return he smiled at her pleased with his efforts to make her laugh..they were still in love. I felt myself smiling at them, wondering what tough times or happy ones they’ve been through together to bring them to this point in their lives but then thinking the important thing is they made it..together. I began to wonder if I would ever get to that place where I would be sitting across the table from the man I loved and wanted to grow old with. Since then when I need to recharge, I will go for coffee or a glass of wine alone just to be quiet and watch other people interact. I’ve seen some really wonderful happy relationships. I want that. A solid happy relationship..to grow old in.

My legs feel shaky right now, like anything could take them out from under me. Today, they did get taken out from under me when my Most Favouritest Neena (that’s what I call her) told me her wish. We’ve worked together for three years now in the same office..me often teasing her..with her being fake bossy with me and in return I’m fake upset telling her that she’s so hard on me. Today with her voice breaking..she made me realize the place, I didn’t know, I held in her heart. She told me she wished I was staying, that she will miss my smile when I’m being mischievous and she will miss my hugs and she hopes I won’t forget her. I won’t ever forget her..ever..because she wedged her way into my heart too.

I’m hoping that I will grow into these new Bambi legs of mine and that maybe by the fall I will have made them strong again. I’m beginning a whole new chapter in my life and I’m terrified that I will fail. Failure is not an option for me..I need to prove to myself and my kids that I can do this. I can go back to school and become the woman I should have always been. That I can have the kind of relationship that I want with B..he’s the guy I want next to me in the coffee shop making me laugh and feel loved. I want to share my life with him.

Today was my day to struggle..B and I spent a long weekend together in each other’s space and it was a comfortable, easy feeling. We opened the weekend with our usual coffee, then we bought some groceries to cook breakfast at the little VRBO apartment he rented for us. We spent time going for walks in the sun looking at the newly built homes around us as we walked and discussed what we like in a home. We became very comfortable very quickly in those four days together but now we miss each other in the worst way and I don’t know if seeing him was a good or bad thing to do. Obviously it was good for us at the time..it was what we needed but at the same time it leaves me missing him so much more and for him it’s the same. We really needed the weekend together..almost two months apart was tough on both of us. I spent time touching his face, smelling his soap, hugging him, feeling his kisses on my lips and making a mental imprint to carry me through to the next time we start over again. These first few days apart leave me with a hurting heart and disoriented. Today was day three apart…it started out good but ended with the start of a weekend where we both have things to do and have to carry on separately. Now..it’s only a matter of a couple of weeks until I move and we will be able to spend more time together but again we will be starting over in a new place. A place of freedom and where we are able work on our relationship over the next year. B says “we are taking a dating approach to this next year..and get to really know each other.” Sounds good, Babe (mimicking Taylor Swift’s character in Valentines Day)..as I give him the biggest smile.

These next few weeks on these shaky new legs are making me feel vulnerable and I’m not liking how unsteady I feel. I am looking for strength to come from somewhere..but just like Bambi..I’m going to have to stumble around a little, get used to the instability and probably find myself a cute little rabbit to help prop me up on the ice beneath my feet.

not sure, babe

Sometimes B and I try to rationalize why either of us would ever be interested in the other. I don’t know why we do it, but he has often asked me “Why would a woman like you want to have a relationship with a guy like me?“. My response often is “What is a woman like me and a guy like you?“, hoping that he can describe himself to me and what he thinks I may not find attractive about him.

He has often said he thought he was too old for me and I should find someone closer to my age and enjoy time doing things people my age do. I don’t think 40 somethings do anything different than 60 somethings. We still listen to music, we enjoy hikes and being in the outdoors. We enjoy evenings out for drinks and dinners with friends. There is so much we can do together. I will look forward to going to the gym and working out with him. I will enjoy hiking with him or just relaxing beside him on our couch with a glass of wine and discussing our day apart. There isn’t anything I don’t think we can’t do together because of our ages.

We like to do “research”, read and discover things that will help our relationship evolve. We’ve actually had a lot of fun with this and I believe ultimately that it has made us stronger already. Our level of honesty has surpassed our previous relationships. We are different people this time around. We don’t want a relationship that is just out of convenience..we want one that completes us. I’ve often felt over the course of my marriage that I haven’t been enough for my ex but actually I’m beginning to see he wasn’t enough for me. He had friendships with other women and the only woman he should have had a significant friendship with was me. He was always doing things with other women that he should have just been doing with me.

How would you feel if your spouse continuously had friendships with people of the opposite sex?

B gave me this to think about this evening he said he was standing on deck and this struck him..we have just spent a very enjoyable weekend in each other’s space and as always struggle being apart in the first few days. Today..is day two apart.

What have we been dealing with.. both of us?

Inability.. in a partner..

Lack of interest...?

I have been dealing with so much lately.

Mentally and physically..I’ve been planning a big move for my youngest son and I .. plus find a suitable place for us to live, getting registered to go back to school for the first time in more than twenty years, pack up the things I will need and some of the things I want, make sure my youngest is okay emotionally/mentally, on top of all this and all the while..I’m falling more in love with this man I hardly know. We’ve decided that this first year of us living closer to each other will be about dating and getting to know each other better. Take things slowly and make sure that it is the relationship that both of us want.

Emotionally, I’ve been dealing with saying a final goodbye to 27 years of my life..friends, family and my home. On one hand..I’m sad to say goodbye to some of my good friends but I know they will visit and so will I..then on the other hand I’m so extremely happy to be starting a new chapter in my life. Saying goodbye to some of the in-law family will be great..so much less drama in my life..while very few I will miss.

Was the inability and lack of interest on us or our partners? Most often I feel it takes two in the relationship to make it work well..I don’t think there was lack of interest on my part but there definitely was on my ex’s part. He wasn’t interested in me until I was out the door..and then dishes were being done, garbages taken out, vacuuming getting done etc. Although I appreciated his help, he expected that I would say “Thank-you!” and pat him on the head with a “Well done!” Did he ever say thank-you to me? No..because he expected that, as a stay at home mom/wife, it was just part of my job/duty. WRONG!! A thank-you or just a little appreciation would have gone a long way for him. It was his inability to see me..really see me. To him..I was just the cook, the maid, and the nanny.

B and I both have ideas about how we want our relationship to develop and that this time around things will not be left unsaid between us as they may have been with us our ex’s. We are different people now than we were when we were married. We want new experiences this time around..but most of all we want the companionship we’ve missed in our lives up until now. B asked me today.. “How does a guy (like him) find this kinda love .. and why so late šŸ˜”

I had nothing significant to offer him other than..

“Not sure babe..

But..Iā€™m glad you found it no matter when it was..and found it with me šŸ˜˜”

50 first dates

If you follow this blog then you know..B and I are navigating a long distance relationship. Something neither of us has done before, nor particularly ever wanted to do but yet here we are and have been doing so for about six months now. We started our relationship in November and have managed to make it this far. Texting is sometimes difficult, talking suits us better but we’ve managed to learn to be gentle with each other. With only 6 weeks left until I move, we have decided to meet one more time in an airport, spend a few days together just looking at each other and have a few uninterrupted days together so that we can make it through these next few overwhelming weeks.

Every time B and I have met in an airport, we are always nervous as to how we are going to feel. Will our feelings have changed? Will we have changed? I’ve referenced our meetings to the movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler..only I don’t have amnesia and B isn’t singing a song while he plays a ukulele but…the feeling is similar. B laughs but he knows exactly what I mean by it. We do talk on the phone daily, text each other frequently and always feel quite comfortable in doing so but that first few hours we are together is like, we really are getting to know each other, all over again.

We always smile big..I restrain myself from making a scene because I’m so happy to see him. I’m not big on public displays of affection but I can’t help kissing him as soon as we are within arms reach of each other. He pulls me into one of his amazing hugs and I don’t want to ever let go. We chat about the flight and hold hands, continuously looking at each other’s faces..searching for how the other is feeling, mostly we are in disbelief that we are actually together as we wait for either my bag or his depending on who is coming to whom. Since November we have only been together twice for a few days and had a couple speed dates in April. I think this may have been our longest stretch yet, that we haven’t seen each other. I’m sure I will be emotional when I see him, I always have this flood of relief and feeling of safety when we are reunited. He has become my home and without him I feel like something is missing…that I am incomplete.

After we leave the airport we usually find a McDonalds to have coffee and reconnect. We get all the jittery feelings out and talk before we proceed to either his place or wherever he has booked for us to stay when he visits me. We have made a conscious decision to make sure that we slow our feelings down and that our relationship isn’t just about being intimate. I think the distance in our relationship has really helped us make good, rational relationship decisions as well. We haven’t felt compelled to jump in head first and just live together when I move.

I’m moving closer to B in July and I’m so excited about that but I’m not moving to be with him or live with him. I’m moving to start a new chapter in my life that I really want him to be a part of. There will still be distance between us but nothing as significant as 18 hrs distance and a different time zone. We have decided to concentrate on dating for at least a year and make sure that this is the relationship that we want it to be. Neither of us wants to end up in a relationship where we aren’t 100% sure that this is what we both want. We’ve both had relationships end for various reasons but the biggest reasons being the lack of communication, honesty and trust.

I’m starting to feel like Christmas is coming because it’s only six more sleeps until I pick him up in the airport.

Six more sleeps until I get to greet him with a kiss and be enveloped in his arms for a big hug.

Six more sleeps until we are having a coffee and getting reacquainted as we plan out the rest of our weekend.

Six more sleeps until I see him wearing my favourite sweater of his and smell the scent of his soap when we hug.

Six more sleeps until it’s the last time we meet in an airport to spend a few days together because the next airport greeting we have, I’m going to be moving an hour away from him and won’t be leaving him ever again.

am i okay?

I know this blog is supposed to be about better love, more laughter, honesty and happiness but today I need to get something off my chest.

What do you consider abuse?

I consider lies that make you feel crazy mental abuse.

I consider threats being uttered and name calling verbal abuse.

I consider someone bigger than me poking his finger into my shoulder, or grabbing me and making me feel like I need to back away from him physical abuse.

Am I wrong on any of these points?

I’ve been married for twenty years and together with this same man for 27. In the last 10 years he’s become all of these. The mental and verbal the worst to deal with because my brain doesn’t let go, it doesn’t forget but it seems to forgive. I’m an empath trying to separate from a narcissist. I read an article on Mind Body Green one day about breaking up with a narcissist and probably 10 out of the 12 points they listed I’ve had to deal with. The article hit home so hard that I couldn’t finish reading it the first time, I found it that upsetting.

Being an empath means I feel too much all the time. I absorb everything but eventually, get to a point where I can’t absorb anymore and shut down so I can recharge. I call it being “peopled out”. I’ve spent less and less time around friends in the last several years, just trying to deal with the guilt I was being made to feel for being depressed and unable to let go of the hurt that my husband had caused me, I couldn’t absorb anything or help anyone else. It literally took all the energy I had, to stay at a reasonable level for my kids. They ultimately are the most important things in my life. Everything I’ve done has been for them..including finally leaving this marriage.

They’ve watched me go through this for the last 5 years and are now becoming adults who see and know what is right and what is wrong. I had hoped that after everything my soon to be ex-husband put the kids and I through he would be understanding when I finally decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. I was wrong and he’s become an even uglier human being than we’d imagined.

In order to make himself feel better he told all of our mutual friends who he thought would listen and believe him that I was leaving him because I was having an affair. I didn’t ever tell any of them that he had had two affairs and for five years neither did he. He just expected that I was going to keep fake socializing.

I wasn’t having an affair. I am not a cheater or a liar. He is.

I finally made the decision to leave this relationship that wasn’t working for me anymore and hasn’t been working in the last 5 years. It’s been almost 10 months since I told him I wanted to separate but more than two years since I’ve wanted to call it quits. He is not accepting it. He keeps thinking he can bully me into just staying and it’s not going to happen. Who would want that?

In 6 weeks I’m moving out of the house I raised my babies in for the last 18 years and taking our youngest son with me. Both of us are excited to start this new adventure together and start to heal. At times it makes me a little sad but then others I can’t wait to be free from the house that hasn’t got enough oxygen in it anymore. I hope that the distance I’m about to create between us will be respected.

I hope that at some point people will stop asking me if I’m okay and just know that I am because I look happy and act happy again. I appreciate that people care but I’m careful not to share too much and often feel uncomfortable when they ask. I’ve been burned too many times.

So this Sunday morning I sit here, in McDonalds as usual, writing and drinking a coffee. Hiding out, getting these thoughts out of my head, I wonder if I really am okay..and I don’t think I am..but 6 weeks from now… I’m promising myself that a new better life is going to start. I’m going to leave all of these Cloudyskies behind me, work on loving myself, spend some time in the sun and get a tan.