My littlest is on his own right now trying to navigate this part of his new normal without his mother. I miss him.
I know without a word from him..that he’s missing me too. He won’t connect with me when he misses me because he wants to stay strong and not let me know how he feels. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s burdening me with his loneliness and because of this..my heart hurts for him. I want to feel burdened and I want him to know that it’s okay to miss me and share with me all of the feelings he’s having. Him and I haven’t been apart for more than a week or so ever in his life, and this feels so unfair to do to him, even though I know it’s not..that he’s going to get through this, because he’s strong like me. These last three weeks without him in my space feels like something is missing and I’m constantly wishing he was here when something happens that I know he would enjoy. I miss our conversations, I miss our daily routine, I miss snuggling up with him and running my fingers through his hair like he likes me to while we talk about our day..I just really miss him.
I know too, that I need this time to get a new house set up for us, and that I need to find a new job to help support what we will need when he finally comes here. I need to get on my feet so that when he does finally get here that I will be so much stronger and he will see that I’m doing the right thing for us. I think about him every minute that I’m awake and can’t wait to share with him all of these new things I’m experiencing. He’s been my comfort for so long it doesn’t feel good, to not be with him every day.
I keep telling myself he’s going to be here really soon..that once he’s here our new life together will start and he’s going to love it. I just wish he knew that he didn’t need to be strong for me..but that I’m going to be strong enough for both of us. My love for him, his brother and sister is so big that if we stick together..we can do anything.
I can do anything.